


Cuddy Love

by incandescent_marmoset



Category: House M.D.
Genre: F/F, Femslash, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-03-29 19:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3908005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incandescent_marmoset/pseuds/incandescent_marmoset
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cameron's developed something of a crush, which is fine, so long as she can keep it a secret...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Not From Nowhere

**Author's Note:**

> Several of the events from the series crop up (season 5 and/or possibly 6), but not in any particular order. To be honest, I just liked the pistons line and ran with it! It is assumed that House and Cuddy have a past, but aren't together. I'm thinking maybe 5 chapters? See how we go :)

It had come from nowhere. A sudden and intense infatuation.

Well, that wasn’t strictly true. It was sudden and intense, but it hadn’t come from nowhere. Not exactly. In fact, given the opportunity, Allison Cameron was able to trace back the initial murmurs to two specific instances.

First, there had been that thing with the patient. She didn’t know him, hadn’t met him, couldn’t even remember his name. But he had made an impression, because he had told the truth. Could _only_ tell the truth. _Frontal lobe disinihibition._ That’s what it was called. The only airtight excuse for allowing whichever words appeared in your head to topple straight out of your mouth.

‘Your tush is like the pistons in a ferrari’ he had said to her. Not to her – not to Cameron, that is. She hadn’t even been in the same room. _Thank god._ But to _her._

Her with the low-cut tops, three-inch heels, and deep, soulful eyes. They changed colour, those eyes. On days when she was pleased with herself, Cameron had noticed, they would be light and blue and full of sparkle. At other times, when she was thoughtful, or perhaps a little sad, the blue would leak into green. And when it got worst of all, when the world was ending and everything was bad, then they became a dark and steely grey.

_Lisa Cuddy._ Cameron almost sighed out loud. Then she had to look around to make sure no one was about to see her making a fool of herself.

_Windows into the soul._ Someone had said that once about eyes. It seemed trite to apply it to ordinary people, with their ordinary eyes. A falsehood. But for Lisa Cuddy, it rang true

And, of course, she thought, refocusing her train of thought, the woman had pistons that might favourably be compared with those of a supercar.

Chase had told her about it – what the patient had said. At the time, she had laughed, but then, afterwards, she found herself drawn back to the words.

And not only that, she found that she agreed with them, because they made her feel weird in a good way.

‘I’d do her,’ he’d said, as well, following up on the initial blunder.

Cameron thought that maybe she agreed with that as well – though not, obviously, with the choice of phrasing. It was so degrading. Disrespectful, to a woman who had worked hard to become one of only a handful of female deans in the country. Of course those low-cut tops had probably helped, a less charitable part of her brain offered up. But still, it wasn’t right.

For one thing, it implied a merely physical attraction.

Cameron wasn’t sure if the fact that what she felt _wasn’t_ merely a physical attraction made her situation better or worse, but it did make her feel better about herself. Yes, Cuddy was hot, any fool could see that. _God_ she was hot. Not exactly in a conventional way, no, and yet there was just something... something about her that was _spectacular_.

It was an odd sort of perfection, wrought with flaws: a nose that bridged slightly outward, too many teeth. She wasn’t tall without her heels, and she was too curvy to be skinny (like that was a bad thing). But somehow it didn’t matter. She had presence. She was lean and athletic looking. She was _hot_.

Cameron shook her head. That wasn’t the point. She was being distracted again.

No, the point she had been trying to make, she reminded herself, was that Cuddy was _more_ than just beautiful. She was... nice.

That was lame. For a moment Cameron felt embarrassed by her inability to pin down a word better suited to Cuddy's character.

And yet it was just that – her irrefutable _niceness_ – that had drawn Cameron in, perhaps because it was something they had in common.

It was a _good_ trait. Better than any she usually fell for. Intelligence, confidence, humour, a touch of brilliance. In essence, everything that was House. But he _wasn’t_ nice. And, inevitably, he had hurt her. He hadn’t always meant to (although sometimes he had). And she knew, in part, that it had been her fault for getting involved, or trying to get involved. He’d warned her against it. _Everyone_ had warned her against it. And then, when she’d wanted something different, she’d ended up with Chase. Chase, who she’d thought she could help, could work on, to make him _better_ than House. Not cleverer, of course. That would be impossible. But closer to what she wanted. Closer to the sort of person she could imagine herself being with and being _proud_ to be with.

But then, that very moment when her eyes had opened, and allowed her to see Cuddy for what she really was, she had known that this thing – whatever it was – that she had with Chase, was nothing and could never be anything.

At first, the realisation had made her sad, because she really did like Chase. Some of the time, at least. Those odd occasions when she caught a glimmer of the sort of man he could become.

But Cuddy didn’t need any help. She was already there. She was everything that was good about House (toned down to an appropriate level, of course), and everything that was good about Chase, _and_ many of the things that Cameron liked about herself. She was good and kind, and other drippy words that people had used to describe Cameron for as long as she could remember.

Cuddy hid it better, of course. She had to. Hospitals didn’t run on good intentions. But every now and again the mask slipped, and that was when, to Cameron, Cuddy was most beautiful of all.

Like the time when she lost the baby.

That had been the second instance, the second trigger. It could only have been a few weeks ago, though it seemed like longer. Cuddy had been walking away from the woman who had promised her a baby, who had passed that baby into her arms, and then snatched her away at the last moment.

It had almost broken Cameron to see it happen. She could hardly even imagine what it must have done to Cuddy. As she’d passed her by in the corridor, Cameron had held out her arm – a loose attempt to convey something of the sorrow she felt for the loss – and Cuddy had turned to her, a look of shock on her face, as if surprised that other people could be up and walking around and living in this world that seemed to have ended.

And in that instant of raw emotion, Cameron felt herself drawn to Cuddy with a force that was frightening. Because in that instant, Cuddy was no longer just a boss: some distant figure of authority, she was a woman, capable of both love and the terrible pain that so often accompanied it.

It might seem strange, but that was when Cameron had known that what she felt for Cuddy was more than just a physical attraction. Because she had wanted so desperately to hold her. To tell her that it would be ok, that she, Cameron, would do anything that was needed to make it ok.

Back in the real world, Cameron shook her head. House used to joke that she was attracted to people who were broken. Perhaps it was true.

She looked at the clock. Three minutes to eleven. Almost time for their meeting. There was no cause to put it off any longer. She tore herself away from the notes she was pretending to scan at the information desk, and began the long walk down the corridor towards the clinic and her final destination: Cuddy’s office.


	2. Tempting the Spider

Cameron arrived at Cuddy’s office at one minute to eleven, and kicked herself, because no matter how hard she tried, she found it impossible to be late, ever.

Punctuality, as Cameron saw it, was a mark of respect, and she did so like to please people.

Cuddy valued punctuality too, Cameron had noted, although for her, it was primarily a concern for others. Grudgingly, Cameron admired the kind of crushing self-confidence that permitted such a viewpoint.

Unable to see inside, Cameron knocked and went in without thinking, where to her embarrassment, she found Cuddy on the phone. Quickly holding up one hand in a gesture of apology, she began to back out, but Cuddy gave a brief shake of her head. _I’m almost finished,_ she seemed to be saying, so Cameron waited, a little awkwardly, as she said her goodbyes.

As she hung up the phone, Cuddy flashed a smile. Not a genuine, happy smile – there had been none of those since the adoption had fallen through. It was just another mask, a cover for the fact that something irreplaceable had been lost. But a smile nonetheless.

Cameron smiled back, trying desperately to suppress the conflicted set of feelings that arose now within her stomach each and every time she found herself in such close proximity to the older woman.

The problem was that although in the one sense, being close to Cuddy was everything that she wanted, in another very different sense, it felt like being caught in a spider’s web: dangerously exposed, unable to free herself, and aware that even the tiniest, most insignificant of movements could catch her out.

Cuddy waited for a while, in silence.

‘What is it?’ asked Cameron, at last daring to tempt the spider.

‘Oh, nothing,’ said Cuddy. ‘I’m sorry. It’s just, I was thinking how nice it is that you can come and see me and my first reaction isn’t _God, what has House done now?_ ’

Cameron laughed. It was true that things were different between them. Back when she’d been House’s lackey, the void had felt all too vast. Cuddy had seemed to be everything that she, Cameron, wasn’t. She was cool, professional, distant, she was always immaculate, and she even got the odd one over on House. The fancy desk, piled high with urgent memos, phone numbers and notices, each vying for her attention, had served as a physical barrier between them. And to Cameron, it felt as if she would only ever be stood on the wrong side of that desk. An outsider looking in. A schoolgirl summoned before the headmistress.

Now though, on the face of it at least, things were a little more even. Ever since Cuddy had rewarded Cameron’s resignation from House’s team with a position heading the ER, Cameron had at last been able to accept that the feeling of respect between them might be mutual. Of course, just lately, Cameron’s feelings had jumped a little ahead of respect, but Cuddy wasn’t to know that. Cameron gritted her teeth. She _must not_ be allowed to know that.

Not speaking, because the ritual was already so ingrained that words were a mere formality, Cameron placed her report on the desk, hidden under several forms she needed signing off.

Cuddy was quick to oblige, scrawling her signature across the page. She often complained about the illegibility of her employees’ script, Cameron reflected, but once again, didn’t concern herself with such matters.

Nodding her thanks, Cameron turned to leave Cuddy to browse the report at her leisure.

‘Dr Cameron?’ Cuddy stopped her at the door.

‘Yes?’ Cameron closed her eyes. _So close._ One more step, and she’d have got out unscathed.

She turned around.

Cuddy was watching her carefully. ‘I am sorry, Cameron, if I’ve been a little... distracted the last couple of weeks, but I thought perhaps we should take a moment to discuss this properly.’ She laid a hand on top of the report, and gestured with the other for Cameron to sit.

 

Cameron nodded, doing as she was bid, and trying to keep the disappointment crossed with anticipation from her face.

‘How have you been, Dr Cuddy?’ she asked, at length, feeling that some enquiry was called for since the other doctor had brought it up.

‘Oh, you know,’ said Cuddy, a little too brightly. ‘Keeping busy.’

Cameron nodded. She didn’t want to pry. ‘If you ever want to talk...’ she said.

Cuddy briefly nodded her thanks, before immediately proceeding to ask how things had been with the ER.

Cameron didn’t mind. She had offered, and that was important. Now they could move on, as Cuddy was clearly keen to do. So she spoke a little, picking out the main points of her report. Nothing had changed. It was the holiday season, so a lot of alcohol-related injuries and so forth. Problems with the surgical backlog. Nothing major.

As she spoke, Cameron was careful not to look directly at her boss, worried that if she did, she would find herself unable to look away. Of course, it didn’t help matters that Cuddy’s blouse, though for once buttoned all the way to the top, was almost entirely see-through. _Did she do it on purpose?_ Cameron wondered. Luckily, Cuddy wasn’t exactly scrutinising her every word. Just picking out the important ones. In other circumstances, this might have put Cameron off, but as it was, she was grateful.

When she had finished, Cuddy nodded, seemingly impressed, and Cameron was pleased because she had worked hard to ensure that Cuddy didn’t regret offering her the position.

‘Is that everything?’ she asked, getting to her feet, eager to leave before anything tripped her up.

Cuddy seemed a little surprised, but not affronted, by the younger doctor’s evident desire to get away. ‘Er, Cameron?’ she said, also rising to her feet, and once again blighting the escape attempt.

‘Yes?’ Cameron paused uncertainly in the doorway.

‘I just...’ Cuddy looked away, unwilling to meet her gaze. ‘I just, I know that things have been a bit... unsettled, with me, in these past few weeks. I just wanted to thank you, really, for taking on the job and getting on with it without me. It’s good to know I can count on you.’ Finally, she looked up and smiled.

Cameron froze. It was the unexpectedness of it, more than anything. With no warning that it was coming, she hadn’t thought to look away. And now she was staring, lost in the other woman’s warmth, treasuring it all the more because she knew how hard it must be for her, after what had happened, just to summon the enthusiasm to get out of bed in the morning.

‘Cameron?’

Cameron blinked, mortified to have been caught staring.

‘Are you ok?’

She snapped out of it. ‘Oh, yes. Fine thanks. I’m... fine.’

‘Are you sure?’ Cuddy wasn’t stupid. Her gaze upped its intensity several notches, her eyes piercing into Cameron, who suddenly knew how a rabbit must feel caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck. ‘I thought I’d lost you for a moment there.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Cameron stuttered. ‘I’m just... a little distracted, that’s all. But you’re welcome. Really. I love working the ER.’

‘Not pining for House?’

Cuddy was smiling again. Cameron wished she’d stop doing that. And what was that supposed to mean anyway? Was she genuinely interested in Cameron’s well-being, her state of mind, or merely trying to assess the competition? – It had been rumoured that she and House had kissed just after the adoption incident. Cameron tried to tell herself that it meant nothing. Temporary. A brief moment of shared pain that brought them together. In truth, she knew that Cuddy’s relationship with House ran deep.

She swallowed hard. She wasn’t sure she could cope with watching the former and current objects of her desire hooking up.

‘No,’ she answered truthfully. ‘Mostly, I’m just glad to be shot of him.’

This time Cuddy grinned. ‘Well, I can understand that.’

Cameron nodded, and was just making to leave, when House – speak of the devil – came barging in past her.

‘House –’ Cuddy began.

‘Not interrupting the beginnings of a blossoming romance, am I?’ he offered. ‘Not sure I could live with myself.’

Cuddy sighed and nodded goodbye to Cameron, who dutifully smiled, raising an eyebrow in acknowledgment of their mutual exasperation, and, finally, made it out of the door.


	3. OH MY GOD

Cuddy’s smile stayed with Cameron all morning. That, and the way that, as she had stood, the light from the window had perfectly outlined her shape, from the gentle inward curve of her waist, to the soft outer curves of her breasts and – Cameron smiled – her _pistons_.

It would have stayed with her all day, had not the reappearance of Cuddy herself dislodged it.

Cameron had been bent over her work at the admissions desk, routinely cataloguing the broad array of ailments that haunted the ER that particular day, when she heard the voice, oh so familiar, and yet oh so delightful, as it wrapped artfully around the syllables of her name.

‘Cameron?’

Cameron winced and turned around. ‘Dr Cuddy?’

‘You left these.’ Cuddy extended several sheets of paper towards her.

‘What? Oh.’ Cameron flushed slightly, embarrassed. She must have left them sitting on Cuddy’s desk in her haste to get away. ‘Thank you.’

But Cuddy didn’t show any sign of leaving. In fact, unlike Cameron, she seemed entirely at ease, leaning forward against the station, unconsciously pushing her breasts up to a better vantage point.

Cameron swallowed.

‘Dr Cuddy?’

‘Oh, hm. What?’

‘Was there something else?’

Cuddy looked up and shook her head with a smile. ‘Oh, no. Sorry. I have a meeting with the board two thirty. Not time really to do anything in between. Do you want to grab a coffee?’       

Cameron looked up in surprise. Cuddy might feel like everything she had ever wanted, but she had never, ever, been her friend.

Cuddy backtracked, reading her surprise as reluctance. ‘You’re busy, don’t worry – I’ll just –’

But Cameron shut her folder with a snap. ‘I’m not busy. Coffee would be lovely, thanks.’ She smiled, and her stomach flipped when Cuddy smiled back.

As she followed Cuddy down the corridor to the canteen, she realised that she was walking just several steps behind her, like she used to with House. Was this really wise? she wondered. Surely she should be concentrating on trying to distance herself from Cuddy, not becoming her best friend.

She shrugged. It wasn’t as if the distancing approach had worked so well thus far, and besides, on the off-chance that Cuddy had picked her because she needed someone to talk to, there was no way Cameron could turn her away.

Thankfully, their talk was light, mostly work-centric. Difficult topics were avoided. Cuddy didn’t mention the adoption, and Cameron quickly glossed over any discussion of her relationship with Chase. ( _Fine, fine, everything’s fine..._ Or at least it would be, if it wasn’t for you, she thought bitterly, in secret).

And as the time ticked by under Cameron’s watchful glare, she began to wonder, whether in fact this kind of relationship with Cuddy was _exactly_ what she needed. Without the employee-employer barrier, and its heavy dose of authority, distance, and mystery, surely Cuddy could not hope to maintain her level of allure. _Surely?_

The time passed by surprisingly quickly. Before Cameron knew it, Cuddy was thanking her, and disappearing off to her next meeting.

Yes, Cameron thought, she liked Cuddy. Why shouldn’t she? – the woman was smart, kind, funny and ~~sexy~~ interesting. And now, maybe they could be friends.

Unsurprisingly, this newfound resolve didn’t last. When, later that afternoon, Cameron spotted Cuddy busily overseeing a procedure in the OT, she knew that she could never be her friend.

House had always said she was naive.

As Cameron watched through the glass, she was struck by the way that even in her efficiency, in her complete concentration on the task in hand, Cuddy was sexy. With just her eyes – flecked with blue today, a good day – peeking out from between the surgical mouthpiece and hat. God, those eyes...

Cameron didn’t hear House appear beside her. ‘Watching the boyf’ at work?’ he asked, crudely, pushing a file into her unresisting hands.

She tore herself away, alarmed at having been caught staring. Unfortunately (and predictably), House was quick to deduce her discomfiture.

‘What, no Chase?’ he surmised, glancing back in through the window. ‘Who, then, could be the _un_ lucky object of your devotions?’

‘No one!’ said Cameron, trying for exasperated, but failing to keep the note of desperation from her voice.

‘Oh come on,’ House chided. ‘You don’t stare like that except at someone you A) love or B) wanna have some serious sex with. So who was it...’

She tried to block his view, stepping in front of the glass, but of course this only deepened his suspicions. He craned round, easily able to look past her. ‘Hm, Dr Oakenheimer?... I’d say you could do better. Dr Harlequin? Cool name, but could be dead and would we even know? Dr Miller? He’s a bit of alright, I’ll give it to him. Until he opens his mouth. Dr Sanchez? Lame. Lame, lame, loser... l-ame. And it would seem we have run out of names. One of the nurses? ...Don’t know them, of course... but all female. Does that matter to you, Cameron? Please say that Thirteen’s wicked ways have been rubbing off on you? – euphemism fully intended,’ he grinned goofily, taking a final glance. ‘Unless of course it’s Cuddy.’

He’d said it as a joke, but she realised it about a second too late. It was a second too long. He’d seen the truth of it in her expression.

‘No!’ His mouth literally fell open.

‘Of course not!’ Cameron protested. ‘I don’t even know what you –’

‘Oh my God!’

‘Shut up, shut up! It’s not – it isn’t what you think!’

‘OH MY GOD!’

‘House I –’ she realised that there was no way she was going to convince him. ‘Please, _please_ don’t say anything.’

House’s eye’s boggled, but he drew his fingers across his lips. ‘My lips are sealed, my face is a mask,’ he said, resting both hands on his cane angelically.

‘Really?’ she was sceptical. There was no way it could be so easy.

He pointed to his mouth, questioningly, and unzipped, breathing heavily. ‘God, that was hard. She _is_ older than you – you do know that right? – she hasn’t been fooling you with those breasts she stole from a twenty-something lap-dancer?’

Cameron tilted her head back in despair. ‘ _No._ ’

‘Is that a “no” you didn’t know, or “no” she hasn’t been fooling you?’

‘Just _no_. It doesn’t matter. Look – it’s nothing. I’m with Chase. I love Chase.’

House looked at her, grinning. ‘No, you _want_ to love Chase. But not as much as you want to sleep with Cuddy.’

‘ _House._ ’

‘Never fear my dear, your secret’s safe with me!’

And with that, he turned and limped away down the corridor.

 


	4. Not Entirely Fictitious

Later that day, Cuddy inevitably caught up with Cameron in the ER. ( _Three encounters all at once?_ Cameron thought bitterly. Why did it feel as though events were conspiring to expose her?).

‘So what was all that about?’ Cuddy asked, like it was nothing.

‘What?’ ( _Oh goddd... what had she seen?_ Even in her panic, Cameron found the time to silently thank the God she didn't believe in that at least the glass had been soundproof). 

‘Earlier, outside the OR – you and House, an argument... any of this ringing any bells?’ Cuddy smiled. She didn’t know, Cameron realised, relieved. She _couldn’t_ know.

‘Oh, nothing. House just wanted my advice on a patient.’

‘House doesn’t have a patient,’ said Cuddy, raising an eyebrow.

‘A potential patient – some guy from the ER,’ Cameron covered, hoping Cuddy would buy it. She seemed to, nodding and looking away for a moment.

‘You know, I had a weird conversation with House.’

 _Oh god!_ ‘Really?’

‘Yes. It was like he was trying to hint about something. I wondered if you might know anything about it?’

 _Fuck, fuck!_ What had he been saying?

‘Things ok with you and Chase?’

‘Er, yes. Fine thanks.’

Cuddy looked at her sidelong. ‘You know, Cameron, you aren’t as good a liar as House.’

‘I’m not lying!’

‘Not lying, then, but I can tell you’re keeping something from me.’ Cuddy tilted her head to one side, reminding Cameron that at times she could be almost as dogged as House. ‘You have this way of shutting down when you don’t want to talk.’

‘Well maybe it’s because I don’t want to talk!’ Cameron snapped. But then, when she looked up and saw the shock, and perhaps even a little hurt, in Cuddy’s face, she immediately felt guilty. It wasn’t _her_ fault.

‘It’s nothing really – nothing important.’ She rubbed the back of her neck, afraid to say the words, but even more afraid of driving Cuddy away. It was no use, though. She could see in Cuddy’s expression that she wasn’t about to back down. ‘Just... House has got it into his head that I... like you. That’s all.’

It felt odd: a moment of sweet, blissful relief as she let it go. But then silence descended, as she paused, waiting for the reaction.

To her disappointment, when it came, Cuddy just laughed. ‘He got that from coffee in the canteen? That’s a bit of a leap even for him,’ she joked.

Cameron nodded, smiling.

‘But...’ Cameron stiffened, apparently it wasn’t over, ‘...why would that bother you so much?’

‘What?’

‘You know House – he loves to make outrageous accusations. But you’re with Chase, and I’m... well, me. It’s hardly dynamite blackmail material.’ She looked up at Cameron, concerned, still, and astutely so, that there was something she wasn’t being told.

Cameron could feel herself going red, the blush spreading down across her shoulders and up along her neck. She shrugged. ‘House is always right.’

‘You were worried that I would believe him?’

This seemed like an acceptable lie. Cameron inclined her head.

Cuddy laughed. ‘Cameron, I hardly know you, but I know you’re with Chase, and I know you’re not interested in me.’ She shrugged. ‘Not that it would even matter if you were.’

‘It wouldn’t?’ Cameron allowed herself some hope.

Cuddy’s brow creased. ‘Of course not. I mean it’s getting rarer now, but younger doctors have always had their crushes. Granted, most of them were male. But I’ve had my fair share of attention. Hell, I’d be flattered to think that I still had any of that kind of magic,’ she smiled, and it was dazzling. More beautiful than ever.

And right then, in that moment, Cameron wanted nothing more than to tell her the truth.

‘I, um, the thing is...’ she said, pausing to gather confidence. ‘The thing is, that perhaps what House said... it might um... it might not have been entirely fictitious.’

‘What are you saying?’

‘I don’t know!’ Cameron blushed furious crimson. ‘I can’t explain it. But I _do_ like you. And when you said that – well – I just, I wanted you to know. That to me you are... well, just... perfect, really.’

Cuddy looked astonished. She was clearly at a loss for words. ‘But...’ she said slowly, after an unacceptable length of time, ‘sorry – I’m sorry, I’m just surprised, that’s all. I mean, I must be... at least _ten years_ older than you.’

Cameron frowned, not believing for a second that the beautiful woman before her could be in her forties. ‘If that’s true, then you really do look incredible,’ she murmured, blushing at her own uncharacteristic forwardness. ‘But to be honest, age has never really mattered that much to me. House was older too. And _he_ looks it.’

Cuddy flushed, just lightly then, and looked away, smiling at the compliment. ‘House is different,’ she said, quickly sidestepping the observation.

Cameron shook her head insistently. ‘ _You_ are different.’

‘Mm? How so?’ asked Cuddy, looking up inquisitively. She sounded nervous, almost shy.

Cameron swallowed. _Great, so now she’s cute as well,_ she thought, as if Cuddy needed any further pull over her. The truth was, she didn’t know exactly why she had fallen for Cuddy so hard and so fast, and she was sure it wasn’t something she could even begin to explain. But here was Cuddy now, waiting for an answer. ‘Well, I suppose I just... it seems to me, that you are everything I’ve ever wanted. And, well, I think you’re just lovely,’ she said in the end, pointedly looking away, embarrassed by the lack of conviction to her response.

Cuddy’s flush was deeper this time. ‘I – I’m not sure what to say,’ she said. ‘Thank you.’ She paused. ‘And I like you Cameron – really, I do, a lot. And I’m flattered that you would think... like that... about me.’

‘But...’ Cameron pushed her for the inevitable snub.

‘But,’ Cuddy acknowledged with a tilt of her head, ‘I’ve never thought of you in that way – that’s not to say I couldn’t ever. You’re...’ she grinned, blushing, ‘you’re lovely yourself. No really,’ she looked up, resolutely countering Cameron’s dismissal, ‘you are. I like that you stand up for what you believe is right. You’re smart and... efficient. You work hard, but you’re cute too. I actually like you.’ Cuddy shrugged, giving the impression that affections such as these were not easily won. ‘It’s just, well, I try never to think of employees in that way.’ She looked up, biting her lip and catching Cameron a sideways glance. ‘It comes with too many complications.’

Cameron nodded. Cuddy had given her more than she’d dared hope for. Cuddy had called her cute. She needn’t have done that, even if it was just preamble to a let-down. And her eyes – when Cameron had admitted her feelings they had widened in surprise, but twinkled blue in acknowledgment of the compliment. Now they were sad, and Cameron wondered (wishful thinking perhaps), if she detected a hint of regret.

‘Of course, Dr Cuddy,’ she said, perhaps a little too brightly, ‘I understand. Of course. Completely. I probably shouldn’t have said anything.’

Cuddy shook her head. ‘I shouldn’t have pushed you,’ she said. ‘But I am glad that you told me. It’s nice to know I’m not completely past it!’

Now Cameron shook her head. ‘Dr Cuddy...’ she said, pausing as she realised that the words in her head might be construed as inappropriate.

‘What?’

‘Nothing – ah – er’ those eyes were boring into her again. ‘Nothing. You’re just... you’re really hot. That’s all.’ Now Cameron could _feel_ the colour burning in her cheeks.

Cuddy laughed, rubbing the back of her neck as her own blush deepened. ‘Well, thank you... again...’

‘But no thank you?’ Cameron cut in, eyebrow raised, daring the dean to deny her.

Cuddy’s mouth opened slightly, but then she shook her head. ‘I can’t, I...’ She looked at Cameron, torn, and in the end, shrugged, throwing her hands into the air. ‘Leave it with me, ok? I’m going to need some time to think it over.’

Cameron smiled, nodded, and walked out. Inside, she was thrilled. A request for time _to think it over_ was, realistically – fantasies of fucking Cuddy naked against her desk aside – the best possible outcome she could have hoped for. Because if Cuddy wanted to think it over, that meant she thought that there was something worth thinking about.


	5. Leave it with me

Over the next few days, Cameron was very careful not to push. Cuddy had said that she needed time, and Cameron was determined to respect that.

But when a week had passed, and still she’d heard nothing, Cameron began to worry.

With their fortnightly meeting having just taken place, and her no longer working under House, there was no reason for the two of them to cross paths. PPTH was a large hospital, with a lot of doctors.

At least that was how Cameron had justified it to herself at first.

But now doubts were creeping in. Why hadn’t she seen Cuddy? Was she avoiding her? Had she even meant what she’d said?

It was a slippery slope.

So it was that on Friday evening, Cameron found herself hovering uncertainly outside the double doors of the largest office in the hospital.

Through the gaps in the blinds, she could just make out Cuddy’s silhouette in the light of the lamp at her desk, bent over a pile of papers, and staring intently at the screen of her laptop. The lid of her pen sat discreetly in the corner of her mouth. Every now and then she shifted in her seat, giving it an absent-minded chew.

 _I think I love you,_ Cameron admitted to herself, as she watched the figure completely absorbed in her work. 

It was now or never.

Cameron grasped the door handle, and twisted.

Cuddy glanced up, evidently surprised by the sudden intrusion. The pen fell out of her mouth and clattered on the floor.

‘Cameron?’ she said, reaching down with one hand to retrieve it, and unintentionally (or not – it was hard to tell with Cuddy) giving Cameron a direct view straight down her top.  

‘Dr Cuddy?’ said Cameron, all at once finding her mouth slightly dry.

‘Er – come in, come in. Sit down. Is there something I can do for you?’

She was trying to act professional, but Cameron could tell she had her rattled.

‘I – look,’ she said, taking a seat, ‘the last thing I want to do is push you, but I was just wondering, whether... whether you’d had chance to think about... about that thing we were talking about the other day...?’

As she spoke, she stared fixedly at an imaginary point on the desk, and when she dared to glance at Cuddy, saw that she too was averting her eyes, pretending to shuffle some papers.

She laughed. She didn’t mean to – and it wasn’t a laugh exactly, just a kind of quick exhale of breath with a smile thrown in, but it was enough to draw Cuddy’s attention.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said quickly ‘– it’s just, I was thinking how ridiculous this is. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m so sorry. I feel like I’m twelve years old and I have a crush on the teacher.’

Cuddy smiled then, running her hands down her face so that only her eyes were visible.

_Those eyes..._

‘No,’ she said, ‘ _I’m_ sorry. I have been avoiding you. In your analogy, that hardly qualifies me as the teacher.’ She smiled, resting her chin in her palm. ‘I keep telling myself I’m too busy, that I’ll think about it later, but the truth is I’m no further on than when we spoke before.’

Cameron nodded.

‘So –’ they both said at exactly the same time.

‘Oh, sorry – you first,’ said Cuddy.

‘No, it’s fine, you go.’

Cuddy gave a dry chuckle. ‘I was just going to wonder aloud where we go from here. And you?’

‘Same.’ Cameron shrugged, and they both smiled ruefully.

‘Look,’ said Cameron, in a vain attempt to move the conversation forward, ‘you know how I feel, and from where I stand, nothing has changed since we spoke last. So it’s really up to you. All you have to do is say the word, and I promise I’ll never bring it up again. It’ll be like it never happened.’

Cuddy was silent. She appeared to be thinking. Then, at length, she said, ‘And, what if... not?’

‘What if not what?’

‘What if this isn’t just something I want to be swept under the rug and forgotten?’

‘What do you mean?’ asked Cameron, taking care not to move a single muscle.

‘I mean... what if the possibility of _this,_ ’ Cuddy said, gesturing between the two of them, ‘is something I might want to explore further?’

‘...To explore further...?’ repeated Cameron weakly, painfully aware that the eye contact between them was, if anything, now too intense.

‘Yes,’ after a pause Cuddy reverted to her usual business-like self. ‘Strictly between the two of us, of course. Did you have anything in mind? I thought perhaps we could do lunch?’

‘I – um – yes – that sounds... it sounds lovely. No, actually wait.’ Suddenly it occurred to Cameron, who hadn’t, in any case, dared to plan this far ahead, that Cuddy went out for lunch with various employees, associates, board members, and the like every other day. Cameron didn’t want to fall into the ‘business lunch’ category. She wanted to give Cuddy something different, something special that she would remember. Suddenly she had a brainwave.

‘How about dinner, at mine? – I mean I’ll cook.’

‘Even better,’ said Cuddy, raising her eyebrows as if surprised by the suggestion, but Cameron thought pleasantly so.

‘Ok, great, let me give you my cell and address.’

‘Oh, that’s ok – I already have them. No –’ she backtracked hastily, ‘That’s not as bad as it sounds! – I mean I have your file. But here, let me give you mine...’ Reaching for a post-it note inside her drawer, Cuddy scrawled a strand of numbers across the top.

Cameron watched her closely, delighted to see that she was slightly flustered, that the pink heat of their first meeting had reappeared in her cheeks. That Cuddy cared enough to feel embarrassed... Cameron blinked. She hardly dared to believe that this was actually happening.

‘So, um, what evenings do you have free next week? – or don’t tell me,’ she added with a grin, ‘you have my rota.’

‘You’ll forgive me if I don’t have it memorised,’ said Cuddy, raising an eyebrow and making Cameron giggle.

Eventually they settled on Tuesday. An odd night for a first date, but then – and there was no getting around it – it was going to be a bit of an odd first date.

 

...

 

Mere moments later, Cameron was stepping outside. In the black of the car park, she lifted her face up to the stars, bathed in moonlight, and breathed in the wonderful, fresh night air.

Then her coat pocket buzzed, and the moment was broken.  

She pulled out her cell and held it up into the light.

It was Chase.

She slid the screen over to ‘accept,’ and lifted it to her ear.

‘Robert? Hi,’ she said. ‘Listen, we need to talk...’


	6. Moving Quickly Forward

‘You look beautiful.’

‘Oh, thank you,’ Cameron stuttered. It was true that she had put some care into getting ready, the close, figure-hugging red dress offset by a delicate black cardigan, but still, she was flattered. Unsure exactly what to expect from the evening, it was surprising – in a good way – to hear Cuddy prepared to dive straight in.

But then Cuddy was Cuddy, and she didn’t do things by halves.

‘You are... just stunning,’ Cameron managed to respond, just as soon as she recovered her voice.

This, certainly, was true. Cuddy’s dress was made up of subtle shades of grey and black. It was light and floated, and left little to the imagination.

Cameron smiled. Given Cuddy’s usual attempts at daywear, she’d have felt somewhat cheated if the woman had turned up in a trouser suit.

Cuddy beamed, and it was dazzling, so dazzling, in fact, that when she began to speak, Cameron struggled to make out the words. It was all she could do to return the smile, nod at a moment she could only hope was appropriate, and take Cuddy’s coat as it was offered to her.

Having led her guest through to the kitchen, Cameron turned to see that Cuddy was smiling. She had one eyebrow raised.

‘What is it?’ she asked, flustered.

‘You haven’t listened to a word I just said, have you?’

_Damn._ ‘Er – I’m sorry!’ Cameron flushed, fully aware that this wasn’t the best of starts. ‘But, it’s your fault,’ she grinned apologetically. ‘You distracted me!’

‘Distracted you? With what? – my words?’

‘No! With... with this,’ Cameron gestured vaguely to the area above Cuddy’s neck.

‘I distracted you with... my face?’

‘Yes!’

‘Well, I’m sorry Cameron. I’m not sure there’s much I can do about that.’ She smiled, and Cameron laughed. Perhaps this was going to be ok after all.

‘It’s Allison,’ she said quietly.

‘I’m sorry?’

‘I said my name – it’s Allison. As we’re here,’ she said, indicating the apartment around them.

‘Mm. Allison.’

‘Yes?’

‘Nothing. Sorry, I was just testing it. It sounds strange.’

‘It’s a perfectly viable name.’

‘I’m sure it is. Then I suppose, just for tonight, I should be Lisa _._ ’

_Lisa._ Cameron had known it was Cuddy’s name, of course, but it felt different, having been given permission to use it. ‘...Just for tonight?’ she asked, cheekily.

Cuddy ( _Lisa_ ) smiled. ‘Mm. Don’t go jumping ahead of yourself. I tend not to commit before dinner.’

_Dinner._ Cameron rolled her eyes back apologetically. ‘Look, I’m sorry, but dinner hasn’t gone exactly as planned...’ She admitted, launching into an explanation.

_House._ It was all House’s fault. It was as if he had _known_ that she’d wanted to get away on time. Sauntering in at ten-minutes-till-home-time, a file which may as well have been marked ‘urgent’ under one arm. As if she didn’t have enough on her plate.

_Doormat._ She knew she was. So eager to please that she’d let people get away with just about anything. She looked up at Cuddy, who was watching her intently. She wasn’t sure, but she didn’t think Cuddy would treat her like that. _Well,_ she reasoned, _maybe a little bit._ Maybe a little bit was ok.

But it meant that she’d had to rush the shopping, and she’d forgotten to buy tomatoes, so she’d had to go back to the store, and that when she’d already been late... And to think, she’d had visions of Cuddy arriving just as she was pulling warm plates out of the oven. Who was she kidding?

Cuddy just smiled. ‘Allison,’ she said, pulling up a seat next to the bar when Cameron had finished her roll of excuses. ‘It’s ok. I’ve dated doctors before. I know the drill.’

‘Ye-es,’ said Cameron, quietly, ‘but I wanted _this_ to be different.’

‘And I appreciate that,’ said Cuddy, reaching out and taking her hand. ‘Really I do, but believe it or not, I didn’t come here to sample your cooking.’

‘No, I know,’ said Cameron, trying to concentrate on anything but the pressure of Cuddy’s hand on hers. ‘It’s just... I can’t believe you’re here at all. And I wanted to be perfect for you.’

‘You are,’ said Cuddy, and all at once she was leaning in towards Cameron.

Cameron didn’t have time to do anything – to react, to think, to move. She just closed her eyes and accepted Cuddy’s lips on her own.

It was over in an instant. Just a warm, chaste press of skin on skin. And then Cuddy was away again, smiling.

‘Let me help you,’ she said. ‘Tell me what I can do.’

‘You can just stop it,’ Cameron grinned, leaning in for a second chance. This time the press was longer, with hints of wetness and of promise, and accompanied by Cuddy’s touch on her shoulder.

‘Stop what?’ Cuddy pulled away. She had a way of sounding dirty even when her innocence was genuine.

‘Being so distracting.

‘My face again? I’m afraid you’re just going to have to get used to it.’

‘I– It’s not just your face you know.’

‘What then?’

‘I think you’re amazing,’ Cameron murmured.

‘I’m not better than you.’

‘What?’

‘I just mean that... the way you act – you don’t have to persuade me of anything. This isn’t a job interview. You’re young and you’re gorgeous, and I think myself lucky that you invited me over here tonight.’

‘O-k.’ Cameron did her best to keep it together. She even relinquished some control, putting Cuddy in charge of the salad. But inside she was buzzing.

_Cuddy had kissed her._

_Cuddy had allowed herself to be kissed by her._

And strangest and most fantastic of all: _Cuddy thought that_ she _was the lucky one._

Taking care to remember to keep breathing, Cameron turned some music on softly in the background. She chatted to Cuddy about her day. It was easy. It was nice.

By the time Cameron placed their (cold) plates on the table, she was feeling a lot calmer. Of course it probably helped that she was on her second glass of wine (and that it was the good stuff that Cuddy had brought). But it was more than that. There was something about being around Cuddy that made her feel... centred, warm... happy. It was odd, different... _good._

‘Can I ask you something?’ she said, topping up Cuddy’s glass.

‘Of course.’

‘What changed your mind?’

‘What?’

‘About tonight. I was almost certain you were going to reject me –you did, in fact, at first, but then something changed. I just wondered what it was.’

Cuddy shrugged. ‘I realised I could picture it working. You and me. We’re the same, and we aren’t the same, and that seems important, don’t you think?’

Cameron nodded.  

_We’re the same and we aren’t the same._ Exactly true.

 

...

 

When they had finished the meal, Cameron got up to spoon some ice-cream out of the freezer drawer into a bowl for each of them. She didn’t notice Cuddy get up, didn’t sense her standing at the counter beside her, but she did feel her reaching down to hook a hand under the hem of her dress. She did feel her stroke, once, twice, three times, and then kiss the back of her neck before pulling away.

Only then did Cameron allow herself to breathe. Apparently things were moving forward quickly.

‘What’s the matter?’ asked Cuddy, still playful.

‘Nothing... it’s just I don’t usually... on the first date.’

‘Oh. That’s ok. I do. Usually.’

Cameron’s surprise must have manifested in her expression more strongly than she’d intended.

‘Well, it doesn’t happen that often for me anymore,’ Cuddy shrugged, her tone informative rather than defensive. ‘And I do _like_ sex. But that’s ok if you’d rather no–’

‘No!’ Cameron was quick to backtrack, ‘I mean no... I... I wouldn’t... rather not?’

This seemed to be encouragement enough for Cuddy, who grinned and stepped forward, only for Cameron to find herself instinctively pulling back.

‘Then what’s the matter?’ This time a small crease appeared in the centre of Cuddy’s forehead.

‘It’s just... I’ve never...’

Surprise registered in Cuddy’s expression. ‘What?’ she said, ‘ _Never_ never?’

‘No- _oh_ ,’ Cameron smiled, ‘just never _with a girl._ ’

‘So you’re only gay for me?’ Cuddy teased.

‘I’m not gay,’ Cameron’s mouth said before her brain had the chance to stop it.

‘Oh, _really?_ ’

Cameron averted her gaze.

‘It’s ok,’ Cuddy grinned broadly, ‘I have.’

 ‘You have?’ Cameron’s eyes widened.

‘Mhm. It’s fine. Just follow my lead.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this time there is probably only one more chapter. And I will try to get it up sooner than I managed with this one :)


	7. The Night Before the Morning After

Cameron sat up in the darkness, pushing the blanket away and balancing her chin on her knees.

She felt something – a hand – touch the small of her back.

‘Everything ok?’

 _Cuddy._ Cuddy who lay naked in Cameron’s bed, still. Living, breathing proof that what had happened _had_ happened. It hadn’t been in her imagination.

Suddenly Cameron frowned. She stopped. She turned.

‘Am I dreaming?’

Cuddy smiled. ‘Could be,’ she acknowledged, sitting up and tucking her chin into the hollow inside Cameron’s collar bone. ‘Would you like me to wake you?’

‘Never.’

As they kissed, a series of images flashed across Cameron’s consciousness: dark hair against white pillows, hard lines and soft curves, gentle touches, firmer touches, then harder and harder, until... that noise. That noise that Cuddy had made that meant that it was over, it was done. A sweet, soft sound of release.

They parted.

‘You stayed,’ said Cameron.

‘Yes,’ Cuddy nodded. ‘Was that ok?’

‘Of course. Did you mean to?’

‘Do you think I would have if I didn’t?’

‘I... I don’t know. I’m not sure I know you at all, really.’

‘You know me well enough, for now.’ She paused. ‘And there’s such a thing as knowing a person too well, don’t you think?’

Cameron thought about it. ‘No,’ she said, at length, ‘not really.’ And then: ‘Is that what happened with House?’

‘I –’ Cuddy withdrew.

It had been the wrong thing to say. Cameron knew it the moment the words had left her lips. Unfortunately, though, it was too late.

‘With House it was... it was amazing.’ She shrugged. ‘And it was terrible.’

‘What happened?’ Cuddy was looking at her again with those eyes, _those eyes._

‘I just... I realised he could never be there for me in the way that I needed him to be.’

‘I can’t imagine you ever needing anyone.’

 _I need you, now._ She didn’t say the words, but they were implied in the way she tilted back her head, and pulled Cameron in towards her.

More pictures, stories, flashes of life past. A biting of lips. Cuddy’s supreme confidence softened by Lisa’s deep-seated insecurities: _Look at me. Do I please you? Am I too old? Past it? Are my breasts still perky enough? Do you mind that my skin creases when I smile? And that my forehead does when I don’t? ...Could you imagine loving me?_

Kind reassurances, given when they were asked for and when they were not: _You’re beautiful, perfect even. Lovely, sweetheart..._ All the way to: _Fucking-hell-Lisa-you’re-hot._

Suddenly, in the present, Cuddy pushed Cameron away.

‘If we’re going to do this, Allison,’ she said, ‘then there are things... things that we need to talk about.’

‘Like what?’

‘Like... like I want to have children. And I’m a mess.’

Cameron smiled. ‘That’s ok, on both counts. I want children too. And I’m attracted to mess. Really – when you think about it, we’re an ideal couple.’

Cuddy smiled at her then, and it was warm, but sad too. Cameron sensed it was a smile gearing itself up for disappointment, a smile that had been hurt before and fully expected to be hurt again.

Cameron was so desperate not to be a disappointment.

‘Please,’ she said, ‘please, just give me a chance. Let me show you that I _can_ be there for you. For whatever you need. Please,’ she touched Cuddy’s jawline, forcing her to look up and into her eyes, ‘let me try.’

For a long while there was silence.

‘Ok.’

Cameron leaned in closer. She had seen Cuddy’s lips open and close to form the words, or at least she thought she had, but she hadn’t heard them, and she wasn’t sure she could trust herself...

‘I said ok,’ Cuddy smiled.

‘Ok?’

‘Ok let’s try this.’

‘Ok.’

‘Ok.’

Cameron allowed herself a silent whoop of joy. She smiled, glanced at Cuddy, caught her smiling too, and then they both looked away, embarrassed.

Then they were kissing again, and this time there were no flashbacks. Everything was in the present. Everything was now: the taste of Cuddy, the touch of her, the smell of her. It was exhilarating. Cuddy straddling her, pushing her down against the pillows, biting her ear, and then whispering into it...

‘One other thing.’

‘Yes?’

‘Please don’t ever mention House while we’re in bed together again.’

‘Ok,’ Cameron smiled, ‘I think I can manage that. But –’ she put a hand against Cuddy’s chest, trying (unsuccessfully) to ignore the way that Cuddy moved so that she was unavoidably cupping one breast ‘– what about tomorrow?’

‘What – Chase?’

Cameron shook her head. ‘He won’t be a problem. We’ve already spoken.’ Did she feel guilty about Chase? Not really. In fact, if anything, she felt guilty about how much she didn’t feel guilty about Chase. They had separated, amicably. It had never been anything real. It had never been anything like this. ‘But what about –’

‘And don’t worry about House,’ Cuddy smiled. ‘I’ll take of him.’

 

...

 

 

The following morning, as Cameron approached the glass double doors at the main entrance of PPTH, she could see two familiar figures standing in front of the desk. Both were gesticulating wildly.

And although Cameron would never, under normal circumstances, have considered herself an accomplished lip-reader, as one of them opened their mouths, she was able to make out, clear as day, the words ‘OH MY GOD!’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end! We got there (eventually). I hope you enjoyed it :)


End file.
